‘Anger and Shame feed each other.’
A Facet Called Anger
“You cannot see your reflection in boiling water. Similarly, you cannot see the truth in a state of anger. When the water calms, clarity comes.” (Buddha)
‘Another aspect of anger is that it is the fuel to shame.’
Have you ever sat in your car outside your own home, telling yourself, be calm, do not lose it tonight, quietly wanting a different outcome to yesterday, and to the day before that? You walk through the door, and in no time at all the anger comes out. Later you sit there confused, asking yourself, why did I react like that? That is not who I want to be.
In my book I call it ‘The Werewolf Within.’ It is the version of us that comes out when the pressure builds too high, usually at the people closest to us, the instant we cross our own threshold. However firmly we resolve to keep it caged, it comes out. Yes; There are people with total narcissistic behaviours, which is totally not acceptable by any means. This post is looking at the aspect of shame with anger.
It Was Never About the Door
Here is the part that took a long time to understand. It was never really about what happened at the door. Underneath the anger was shame, and a whole pile of other emotions. The shame was the fuel. The werewolf simply delivered the anger.
That is how it works for so many of us. Anger feels like the main event, loud, hot, certain of itself. In truth it is usually a bodyguard, standing in front of something far more tender that we do not want anyone to see. Anger feels powerful, which it isn’t, and shame feels small and exposed, so we reach for the anger to cover the powerlessness of the shame.
Anger and Shame Feed Each Other
This is the loop so many of us are caught in without ever naming it. Shame makes us feel small and not enough. Once the heat passes, we feel ashamed of the anger too, of what we said, of who we became in that fiery moment, and that fresh shame quietly loads the next outburst. Round it goes. Naming the shame underneath is how you finally begin to starve the loop, rather than feed it.
Another Facet of the Diamond
Anger is just one facet of who we are. We are multifaceted, like a diamond, many facets, each one catching the light in its own way. Not long ago we turned the fear facet toward the light and found something surprising behind it: in its highest form, fear is love. Anger is the same. Turn it to the light and something softer is almost always hiding behind it, often shame, often hurt, sometimes fear. No single facet is the whole of you, and each one, met honestly, has something true to show you. The way through is not to boil harder, it is to move from ‘The Tip,’ where anger erupts and hardens into resentment, toward ‘The Garden,’ where the water is still enough to see your own reflection again.
You Cannot See Your Reflection in Boiling Water
As the saying in the book says, ‘You cannot see your reflection in boiling water.’ In the heat of anger you cannot see the shame underneath, let alone what it is really asking for. The work is not to judge the anger or act on it. Met with judgment, anger only becomes more shame, which feeds more anger. Met with a little compassion and curiosity, that same anger becomes information, a facet pointing at a wound that has been waiting a long time to be seen. You let the water calm first. You become the observer. Then you can finally look.
A Question to Sit With
The next time the werewolf rises in you, do not rush to judge it or unleash it. Let the water settle, and then ask yourself gently:
‘When the water calms, what is my anger really protecting me from?’
Whatever you find underneath, it is not a flaw in the stone. It is another facet of the same diamond, waiting its turn in the light.
Have a great week,
Michael
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