“A teacher opens the door. You enter by yourself.” (Chinese proverb)
I am often asked, ‘how many sessions will it take?’ It is a fair question, and the honest answer is that it depends on numerous factors. I am going to address one main one that I get asked often in this post.
It Is Not Only About the Therapist
Here are some examples of people I have worked with through the years. Some people come in wanting results in the shortest time possible. Some want to be listened to and guided toward their next step forward, walk out the door without doing any of it, only to come back the next session saying it didn't work. Others come in, listen, and even when they are confronted with their issues, they are determined to break through their blockages, fears, habits, loops and more, knowing this is what will bring the real breakthroughs in their life.
Ask Any Good Trainer
Think about walking into a gym and asking the trainer, ‘how long before I see results?’ A good trainer tells you the truth. ‘It's up to you!’ The time it takes depends on how closely you follow the program, and on how much work you are willing to put in. The trainer is a facilitator; the rest is in your hands.
The Days You Do Not Want To Go
There will be days you do not want to go to the gym at all. You are tired, have a headache, a convenient diversion or a friend has a problem that needs you, or something else is tugging at you. In that moment you simply have a choice; stay in bed or get up and go. There are times when some of your very best workouts come on the days you felt like crap walking in.
There will also be days you doubt you are getting anywhere, feeling disheartened and a part of you wants to quit. In those moments you have one choice worth making, to keep going, or to keep going. These are the illusions and excuses the mind serves up to protect the old habits and the familiar thoughts it has grown comfortable with.
Stop Digging Up the Seed
I often talk about planting a seed. So many of us plant a seed in the garden of our minds, then walk out every single day, dig it up, and check whether it is growing yet. That constant checking is the very thing that disturbs anything from growing. Real change grows quietly, under the surface, in a place you cannot yet see. Your job is to keep watering it, and to trust the soil, rather than pulling it up to inspect it.
Often the growth is already happening long before you feel it. Sometimes you will not notice the change in yourself at all. It's your therapist, a great friend, a parent that’s standing just outside of it, who gently points out how far you have already come.
I Am a Guide With My Own Special Tools
This is no different to what I do, I am a facilitator, a guide who helps people reach the calm, open state where real change becomes possible. I can show you the way in, hold the space, and hand you the tools. The change itself happens through you, and much of it happens between our sessions, in the small and honest work you do on your own.
The Therapist's Toolbox
Think of a great carpenter. Their real skill is not only the tools sitting on the bench, it's the years of experience behind them, knowing which tool to reach for and exactly when. A therapist is no different. Our life experiences slowly become our toolbox. When I sit listening to someone, I am quietly reaching into that toolbox, feeling for the right tool for this person in this moment to help bring them some clarity.
The Honest Answer
The real answer to ‘how many sessions will it take?’ is often another question. ‘How ready are you, and how willing are you to do what it takes, to transform your life?’ A person who comes in open, doing whatever they can each day, change can come surprisingly quickly. A person waiting to be fixed from the outside, can become disillusioned and no number of sessions will ever feel like it's enough.
It Does Not End When the Issue Does
Here is something many people believe. Once an issue is resolved, It’s the end of the sessions, and believe they never need to see their therapist again. Picture the gym scenario again. You don't stop going the moment you reach your goal. You keep showing up for maintenance, building onto everything you have trnasformed previously. Stopping altogether, and little by little the old shape creeps back in, until one day you find yourself right where you began.
The mind works the very same way. The change we create together is real. It stays strong when it is tended to. A little ongoing maintenance, a session with your therapist, a quiet hour to reset and realign, keeps the old patterns from slipping back in and catching any new underlying patterns that have been hiding. It also does something more. It keeps you moving forward, growing into the next version of yourself rather than guarding the last version of yourself.
A Question to Sit With
Before your next session, or your very first, carry one honest question with you. And please hear this from love, with no judgement, this is not about effort for its own sake, it is about your freedom:
‘Am I hoping to be fixed, or am I ready to do what's necessary to transform my life?’
The moment you decide which way you wish to go; you have started something great inside of yourself.
Have a great week,
Michael
📖 Where the F*ck Do Our Minds Go? → Get the book